No one really knows what mattresses are meant to gain from their lives either. They are large, friendly, pocket-sprung creatures that live quiet private lives in the marshes of Sqornshellous Zeta. Many of them get caught, slaughtered, dried out, shipped out and slept on. None of them seems to mind this and all of them are called Zem.”
So explains Douglas Adams in “Life, the Universe and Everything”. Those readers who are fans, mostly agree that one of the funnier scenes from the Hitchhikers Guide series is when Marvin the paranoid robot chats up a Zem. It is a sign of just how pathetic Marvin is that he can’t even get lucky with a mattress.
But not all the fun takes place in your bedroom. In fact, while you are in your bedroom and using your Zem for more mundane purposes, such as absorbing the lethal volume of your snoring, your kitchen appliances are at play.
In your kitchen, you probably have a coffee maker. If you don’t, then your kitchen might be a little less sporty than most, because “Coffee Maker” is actually short for “Coffee Matchmaker”. Yes, this is one fun machine! And the Coffee Matchmaker is the perky one who keeps things cooking in the kitchen.
Let’s take a peek through the kitchen window at 33 Sunnyside Drive, Spanking Township.
It looks like the coffee maker is at it again, trying to match up the toaster and the waffle iron. These two have a lot in common. They are both petite and they both generate a lot of heat for such small…um…er…heaters. The coffee maker is particularly partial to both of them because both toast and waffles go so well with coffee. Come on, who wants to drink coffee without waffles?
Meanwhile, in the far corner of the kitchen, things are getting hot and heavy between the over and the egg beater. Hot and heavy because an oven is hot, and it is heavy. From this angle, it appears that the egg beater is cornered and not looking much like the one likely to do the beating. In fact, I fear this liaison is likely to come to an untimely end due to the oven ‘s crushing weight.
It looks like something different is happening tonight. in addition to the usual kitchen gadgets, there is a hair dryer that somebody left on the counter. It looks like the hair dryer is trying to nudge its way between the toaster and the waffle iron. Imagine the heat that this appliance-a-trois could give off. But you know that sooner of later somebody is bound to get burned.
The coffee maker seems to be in a quandary. It is looking at the blender, sitting all by itself in a corner. Who will the coffee maker pair up with the blender tonight? The pickings are slim, but, oh well, why not toss in a wooden spoon.
The blender is furious. Whir it goes, spinning around. Oh, I can’t bear to look. There are splinters flying all over the place. The blender is known for chewing up and spitting out its partners, but this was an unparalleled massacre. Let’s hope the coffee maker doesn’t try setting up a plastic spatula with the blender next.
What a relief. It looks like our egg beater friend will live another day, as the coffee make pulls it away from the over eager oven. That was a narrow escape. But will the egg beater and the blender get along? Will the beater start beating again? Will the blender try to chop the egg beater to pieces? What happens when you put two appliances with violent tendencies on the same corner of the counter.
Beat. Beat. Beat.
OK, a few scars and it looks like they are not talking to each other. Well, at least there will be quite for a while. Meanwhile the toaster and the waffle iron look like they are coming to some conclusion. Things are looking tense. It can’t be long now, before… Pop! Oh, looks like the toaster popped too early and the waffle iron is steaming; it does not like people calling it a “pop tart”.
I see that the mircowave oven just woke up. Why is he grinning? What is he looking at/ Oh, it looks like the over is sidling up to the fridge and purring. Hot meets cold? Can it work? Probably not, and given the size of these two heavyweights, we can look forward to a mess when the owners wake up and leave their Zem.
Brad “Zem” Johnson doesn’t take life too seriously, as anyone reading his variations on reality can tell. When not creating worlds bound for disaster, Brad likes to tinker with almost anything to get his hands on. Once he even invented a machine that could thread snakes through an elephant’s ear, but then he woke up.
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